Learn to Play: The Ultimate Guide to Not Being Good
Lesson 1: The Basics (Or Not)
Step 1: Hold the stick thingy. It's called a 'controller'. Don't touch the screen, you'll break it.
Step 2: Press buttons. Lots and lots of buttons. Until you press the wrong one and everything explodes.
Step 3: Practice, practice, practice. Or just play for hours on end until you're really good at it.
Lesson 2: The Art of Not Caring
Step 1: Ignore the tutorials. They're just there to confuse you.
Step 2: Watch YouTube videos of other people playing. But only the ones with the most rage quit moments.
Step 3: Join online forums to complain about how bad you're not.
Cheating is Okay (But Only If You're Not Caught)