Or, if you're feeling adventurous, try:
Welcome to the Lost and Found department, where we find things that are lost, or pretend to.
We have a wide range of items, from slightly-used tissues to moderately-worn-out shoes.
Please report any items you've lost or found here, and we'll try to make it sound vaguely interesting.
Or, if you're feeling adventurous, try:
And for those who are feeling extra extra: