Caffeine Withdrawal Protocol

You have been detected as a high-functioning member of society.

As such, we have deemed it necessary to subject you to a mandatory Caffeine Withdrawal Protocol.

This is not a drill.

You have been allocated a safe space for the duration of your treatment, which includes:

• A strict regimen of herbal teas and sparkling water
• Guided meditation sessions led by certified Zen masters
• A 30-day ban on all screens
• A 90-day ban on all caffeine-containing foods
• A complimentary supply of essential oils for relaxation and stress relief

You will be monitored closely for any signs of relapse.

Do not attempt to leave the premises without permission.

Failure to comply will result in severe penalties, including but not limited to:

• Forced participation in a mandatory game of Pong
• Randomly selected episodes of reruns of The Office
• A 30-day supply of bland, beige-colored socks