The Sudden Caffeine Deprivation Crisis: A Mandate of Justification
According to Article 3, Section 4, Subsection A, all citizens are required to have a valid reason for their caffeine consumption.
You are hereby notified that your reason for not consuming coffee is INVALID.
As such, you are subject to the following mandates:
- Section 4, Subsection B(1) states that you must immediately seek out a valid reason for your caffeine consumption.
- Section 4, Subsection B(2) dictates that you must provide a written apology to your loved ones for your past caffeine-related transgressions.
- Section 4, Subsection C requires that you participate in a 30-minute coffee-facilitation session with a certified life coach.
Failure to comply will result in Caffeine Withdrawal Protocol activation.
Appeal your justifications here
Reasons for exemption may include (but are not limited to):
- Medical conditions that render caffeine consumption impossible
- Religious objections to caffeine consumption
- Severe dislike of coffee taste