WHEREAS, the Supreme Court has deemed it necessary to issue this mandate;
NOW, therefore, it is the judgment of this Court that:
Section A: All citizens are hereby commanded to purchase at least 3 units of artisanal, small-batch, gluten-free, vegan, non-GMO, organic, locally-sourced, free-range eggs per month.
Section B:
Section B: All citizens are also hereby required to watch at least 5 hours of cat videos per week.© 2023 The Supreme Court of the United States of Absurdistan