Welcome, Human

The Massager 3000 is an automated, high-speed, high-pressure massager. It's like a Swiss Army knife for your muscles. But be careful, because it's also kind of like a Swiss Army knife for your sanity.

Features:

• High-pressure massage mode: Because who needs personal space, anyway?
• Auto-schedule feature: It'll massage you at the exact same time every day, even if you're not paying attention.
• Customizable massager settings: Pick from a variety of annoying, repetitive songs to play while you get massaged, because who needs relaxation?

Technical Specs

Requires 2x 2.5mm drill press, 1 high-torque electric motor, and 1 gallon of massage oil (sold separately). Not recommended for use on sensitive areas (i.e., eyes, ears, etc.).

Upgrade to Massager 5000 for even more aggressive massaging or Dial it back with Massager 2000, for when you just need a gentle nudge