10:00 AM - Doors open. Please do not enter with a hangover.

10:05 AM - Welcome to the most important meeting of the century! Please stand for the national anthem, which will be played in its entirety over a speaker system that is still being tuned.

10:15 AM - Introduction to the new company logo (color scheme: bright pink, lime, and yellow).

10:20 AM - The CEO will talk about synergy and "disrupting the status quo" while simultaneously trying to eat a bowl of Jell-O.

10:35 AM - Breakout session: "Effective Time Management" by the world-renowned expert, Bob "The Time Master" Jenkins.

11:00 AM - Networking opportunity: Please bring a small, preferably awkward conversation piece to share with colleagues.

11:30 AM - "Lunch and Learn": Free pizza and a lecture on "The Art of Eating Pizza While Discussing Important Business" by Dr. Emily "The Pizza Expert" Thompson.