COFFEE UPTAKE PROTOCOL

As the sun rises over the conference table, the room falls into an anticipatory silence. The CEO speaks, "Right, let's get this meeting started. Who's up for some caffeine?"

Step 1: Caffeine Intake

• Step 2: Snack Intake (a.k.a. "The Real Uptake")
• Caffeine Uptake Quiz: Are You a True Caffeine Convert? (a.k.a. "The Buzz Test")

Side Effects: Jitteriness, Euphoria, and Sudden Onset Awkwardness

Side effects of excessive caffeine intake may include:

• Uncontrollable fidgeting
• Inexplicable mood swings
• Rapidly increasing desire to micromanage the world

Emergency Protocols

In the event of an emergency, follow these steps:

• Call for backup (i.e., the IT department)
• Evacuate the premises (i.e., take a 10-minute walk)
• Reboot the system (i.e., take a 30-minute nap)

Remember: A meeting is not a meeting without caffeine.