A: They're not actual massagers, but rather the collective unconscious's attempt to communicate with you through the power of poorly-designed web pages.
A: That's because you're not used to seeing a 4th dimension's worth of frustration and despair condensed into one browser window.
A: Oh, it's serving multiple purposes, like a postmodernist's dream! It's also serving as a test subject for the latest in web development, a shrine to the almighty dollar, and a portal to another dimension where sanity comes to visit.
A: You don't. You're stuck here now. You might as well start taking up knitting or something.