Dear [Employee],
We have received your email at 3am on a Tuesday. Our AI Overlords have reviewed it and have deemed it worthy of a response.
We cannot provide a full refund for your "urgent" request, but we can offer you a complimentary stress ball to help with your "urgent" situation.
Best regards,
[CEO Memo]
PS: Our team of highly trained, highly caffeinated ninjas are working on it.