Q: Why does my boss hate me?
A: Because you're not meeting the Monday deadline for the TPS reports. Again.
Q: What's the deal with the coffee machine?
A: It's been possessed by a sentient spirit of corporate despair.
Q: Can I take a sick day?
A: You're not sick, you're just allergic to your coworkers.
Q: Will I ever be promoted?
A: Only after you've served your penance for last week's "accidental" paper jam.