Our Process

Step 1: Receive Complaint

We take your complaint very seriously, which is why we will ignore it for at least 3 months before responding.

Step 2: Assign Task Force Alpha

Our team of highly trained and moderately caffeinated experts will review and analyze your complaint, but only on Tuesdays.

See Alpha's schedule for the week

Step 3: Implement Solution (or Obfuscate the Issue)

We will either fix the problem or make it more confusing, depending on our mood and the phase of the moon.

Click here for a 50/50 chance of a fix

Our Formal Response

Formal Response

Dear valued customer, we have reviewed your complaint and have determined that it is not our problem.

However, we have decided to take this opportunity to reorganize our entire department and create a new committee to deal with your issue.

Please wait 6-9 months for our new response, which will be delivered by a team of highly trained, highly caffeinated specialists.

Learn more about our new approach

Our New Approach

We've created a new committee to deal with your issue, which will meet every other Thursday at 3:14 AM to discuss your complaint.

The committee consists of 5 highly trained specialists, each with expertise in:

Dr. Bureaucracy, Ph.D. (Bureaucracy Studies)
Dr. Delay, Ph.D. (Procrastination Research)
Dr. Jargon, Ph.D. (Confusion and Obfuscation)
Dr. Red Tape, Ph.D. (Bureaucratic Red Tape)
Dr. Form-itis, Ph.D. (Formal Response and Letter Writing)

View the committee meeting agenda

Committee Meeting Agenda

Wednesday, 3:14 AM - 4:14 AM

1. Introduction to your complaint (10 minutes)

2. Review of the committee's findings (30 minutes)

3. Break for coffee and cat videos (15 minutes)

4. Debate on whether to respond or not respond (60 minutes)

See the committee's decision

Committee Decision

We, the committee, have decided to:

1. Ignore your complaint

2. Reorganize our department (again)

3. Send you a letter explaining why we couldn't help you (which will take 3-6 months to arrive)

View our letter writing protocol

Letter Writing Protocol

Step 1: Wait 3-6 months for our letter to arrive

Step 2: Open letter, carefully read and re-read to ensure you understand the contents

Step 3: Call our customer service number to ask for clarification (good luck with that)

Step 4: Receive a recording from our automated customer service system, which will ask for your account number, social security number, and the answer to 17 questions about the meaning of life

Navigate our phone tree of fortune

Phone Tree of Fortune

Press 1 for our main menu, press 2 for our hold music, press 3 for our "we're sorry, but...".

Main Menu

Press 1 for our main menu, press 2 for our hold music, press 3 for our "we're sorry, but...".

Hold Music

Our hold music is a soothing blend of elevator jazz and elevator Muzak.

Enjoy our selection of 17 different hold music tracks, including:

Track 1: "Hold On, We're Almost There"
Track 2: "The Long and Winding Hold"
Track 3: "Holding Pattern"
...

View our music library

Our Music Library

Our music library consists of 17 tracks, all carefully curated to drive you insane.

Tracks include:

"Hold On, We're Almost There"
"The Long and Winding Hold"
"Holding Pattern"
...

Listen to our music

Music Player

Press play, and enjoy our carefully curated selection of elevator music.

Track 1: "Hold On, We're Almost There"

Track 2: "The Long and Winding Hold"

Track 3: "Holding Pattern"

...

We're Sorry, But...</

We're Sorry, But...
We are unable to assist you further, but we're happy to put you on hold.

Please press 1 for our main menu, press 2 for our hold music, or press 3 for our "we're sorry, but...".

Hold Music