Ominous Ascensions

Welcome, Ascensionist! Congratulations, you've reached the pinnacle of self-improvement. Or have you?

Are you tired of the same old self-help clichés? Do you yearn for the thrill of self-actualization without the crutch of actual self-awareness?

Then join us at Ominous Ascensions, where the path to inner peace is paved with the skulls of our predecessors and the faint scent of desperation!

We offer:

• Ascension Techniques for the Utterly Lost
• Ascension Techniques for the Chronically Depressed
• Ascension Techniques for the Super-Achievers