Outrager Treatment Plan

Welcome to Dr. Bottomsworth's esteemed Outrager Treatment Plan. This is a comprehensive guide to dealing with the very real pain in the neck that you've been experiencing. We've taken a look at your medical history and have identified some of the root causes of your discomfort.

We've prescribed the following treatment plan:

  1. Immediately cease all physical activity for a minimum of 24 hours.
  2. Take two 400mg doses of acetaminophen, every 8 hours, until symptoms subside.
  3. Elevate your head 30 degrees above the surface of your desk to reduce blood pressure.
  4. Avoid all strenuous conversation, particularly if it involves your aunt.
  5. Practice deep, controlled breathing exercises, ideally while sitting on a beanbag chair.
  6. Engage in 30 minutes of light reading material, preferably something by Dr. Seuss.
Phase 1: The Agony of the First 24 Hours Phase 2: The Gradual Return to Sanity Phase 3: The Triumph Over Your Own Existential Dread

Side effects of this treatment may include: mild to moderate existential dread, occasional feelings of despair, and a heightened sense of awareness for the impermanence of all things.

Side effects are temporary, we promise.