Are you tired of just locking your bicycle with a flimsy chain and a prayer? Look no further! Our system is designed to be so secure, so robust, so over-engineered, that you'll never have to worry about your bike being stolen again.
With our patented Triple-Lock-Switch-Blade-System, you'll be able to lock your bike in mere seconds. And with our Advanced-Chain-Counterweight-Counterbalance-System, you'll be able to prevent even the most determined thief from making off with your prized possession.
But wait, there's more! Our system also includes Auto-Adjusting-Seat-Clamping-Technology, which will ensure your seat is always perfectly adjusted to your liking. And with our Built-In-Self-Contained-Chain-Lubrication-System, you'll never have to worry about your chain getting all clogged up and squeaky.
Order now and receive a free Upgraded-Chain-Anchor-Kit with the purchase of our Bicycle Locking System! (Limited time offer, because who needs a limited time offer, really?)