EMERGENCY SIGNAL FLASHING

ALERT LEVEL: CRITICAL

We have reached peak anxiety levels and are experiencing an existential crisis. Please remain calm and repeat the following mantras:

• Everything is fine, it's all just fine.
• I will eat a salad for dinner tonight.
• I will call my mom, but not because I need help, just to talk.

We are now diverting all resources to the Panic Room for further instructions.

Enter the Panic Room

Disclaimer:

This is a simulated emergency signal. Please do not attempt to actually panic.