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Parenting Tips for the Utterly Inept

Are you a human being who has managed to produce a tiny, squirming, human-shaped human and are feeling utterly lost? Do you find yourself Googling "how not to get eaten by a toddler" on a daily basis? Do you still have your hair? Congratulations! You are a parent!

Here are a few tips to help you survive this existential nightmare:

Don't worry if your child eats glue. In fact, encourage it. It's a great way to get a head start on their future career as a taxidermist.
When your child asks "why", just make up something that sounds vaguely plausible. They won't remember it by the time they're 5.
Never, ever, EVER leave your child unattended in public. You'll only have to deal with one stranger's awkwardness, not 17.

For more parenting tips, visit our subpage on child-therapy, where we'll tell you how to break your child's spirit in under 5 minutes a day.

Or, if you're really struggling, you know what they say: "When in doubt, give them a cookie." Follow the cookie trail to find out what other parenting secrets we're hiding in the pantry.

For a more in-depth look at the art of parental discretion, visit our subpage on the art of making excuses for why you can't take them to the mall.