A: It's a majestic, majestic, and occasionally itchy appendage that's equal parts dignified and ridiculous. Also, it's a thing that exists on elephants. We're just here to talk about the human versions.
A: Apparently, they're good for growing food. Just kidding, we've never met an actual person with an elephant moustache who's used it for anything other than intimidating accountants or making awkward small talk at parties.
A: If you're a human, probably not. If you're an elephant, sure, but have you considered just using your actual face instead? That's what we do, and it's way easier to maintain.
A: Actually, we have one. It's called Elephant Moustache Anonymous. Don't go there. Trust us on this one.