Lobbying 101: The Art of Scheming

Welcome, young sycophant, to the world of lobbying. A world where the art of saying nothing while saying everything is a finely honed skill.

Here's a primer on the basics:

• Know your marks: Identify the key decision-makers and their weaknesses (e.g., free pizza, golf, or a well-placed backhanded compliment).
• Be on the take: Familiarize yourself with the art of gift-giving (e.g., 'I'd love a signed baseball bat if you could swing it my way).
• Craft your narrative: Develop a compelling story about why your cause is worth fighting for (e.g., 'It's for the children! No, really, it's for the lobbyists!');