Secure Investment 2.0

Welcome, discerning investor! We're glad you asked about our Secure Investment 2.0. This isn't just any Ponzi scheme, this is the one that'll make your wallet weep tears of joy. We're talking returns on investment so high, you'll need to invest in a firehose to keep up.

How it works

• Step 1: We take your money.
• Step 2: We invest it in things that aren't actually valuable.
• Step 3: You get a promise of returns so high, so bright, so bold, that you'll forget what it's like to be a responsible adult.
• Step 4: We take your money.

And don't worry about the whole 'returns on investment' thing. We'll just make something up. Our team of expert, totally-not- Ponzi-scheming professionals will assure you that the numbers are, uh, totally real.

Invest now, and you'll be the envy of all your friends! Who needs a 401k when you can have a 401k... scheme?

Want to learn more about our other, slightly-less-secure investment opportunities? Check out our Teaser for the Coming Apocalypse or Your Mom's Investment Advice.

Our Team

Meet our team of experts:

Our team of experts, all wearing matching "I'd rather be anywhere else" t-shirts.