Warning: Reading too much can be hazardous to your health. Prolonged exposure to pages and pages of text can cause eye strain, neck strain, and existential dread. But fear not, brave reader! For we shall teach you the art of speed reading, a technique so powerful, so majestic, so utterly useless in a post-literate society.

Tip #1: Blinking is key

Blinking is not just a natural reflex, it's the key to unlocking the secrets of the universe. By blinking rapidly, you can read 300 words per minute, a feat previously thought impossible by even the most skilled of readers.

Tip #2: Use a mirror to reflect your gaze

A clever trick to avoid eye strain is to read while staring at a mirror. This will not only distract you from the actual text but also give you a sense of self-actualization as you gaze deeply into your own soul.

Tip #3: Practice reading while inebriated

Why not combine reading with a little bit of intoxication? It's not like it's going to impair your comprehension or anything. In fact, studies have shown that reading while drunk increases focus, improves retention, and makes you more likely to read the same sentence over and over again.

For more speed reading techniques, visit our Reading Speed Techniques subpage.