Chronic Nutritional Analysis

Here at the Food Critic section, we analyze the chronology of your food intake and provide you with the most accurate, yet utterly useless, nutritional information.

Our Methods

We employ a team of highly trained, yet slightly unhinged nutritionists who will guide you through the labyrinthine world of chrono-nutrition.

Our approach involves:

• Calculating the exact moment in time when you consumed each food item
• Plotting the trajectory of your nutrient intake across the timestream
• Providing you with an estimate of your probable health outcomes, based on the whims of the space-time continuum

Results

Our report will include:

• A detailed, hand-drawn graph of your nutritional timeline
• A comprehensive analysis of your dietary habits, including a critique of your snacking schedule
• A prediction of your probable lifespan, assuming you continue on your current course

Read More About Our Methods View Your Results