Our Guarantee: You Will Probably Lose Your Leg

Because, Let's be Real, You're Probably Already Dead

We, at Retro-Futuristic Insurance Co., guarantee that you will probably lose a limb within the next year. It's not a matter of "if," it's more of a "when." Our actuarial tables indicate that the odds are 99.9% in favor of a catastrophic accident involving a sharp object, an unsecured staircase, or an ill-advised game of "dodge the laser beam" in a poorly designed amusement park.

What Our Guarantee Means Why Our Guarantee Isn't a Great Idea Claiming Your Benefits While Still Afloat Frequently Asked Questions (But Not Really)