Onboarding Step 3: "You're Not Dead Yet!"

Step 3 is where things start to get real, folks. You're still alive, but not in the way you were before. Your new cubicle is ready, and you'll be meeting your new coworkers soon.

As you're navigating the existential dread of your new job, remember that your old life is gone, but your new one is full of possibilities. Or, at the very least, a 401k.

Here's what you'll be doing today:

• Review the employee handbook, which is a 300-page PDF that will change your life forever.
• Attend a 2-hour presentation on "Company Culture" and "Team Dynamics".
• Meet with your new supervisor, who will explain the "Vision" and "Mission" of the company, and why you're all going to "change the world."
• Take a tour of the break room, where you'll find the coffee machine and your new coworkers' lunches.