You've found us. We've been expecting you.
Welcome to Top Secret Wish Fulfillment Services. We're not actually a legitimate business, and you didn't really stumble upon us by accident, but let's just go with that.
Our services are top-secret, but we're offering you a special deal. We'll grant you the power to talk to inanimate objects, but don't tell anyone we sent you.
Click here to begin your journey.
Don't say we didn't warn you. This is a parody of a real thing that doesn't exist. Any attempts to use our 'services' will result in disappointment, confusion, or possibly a mild case of 'buyer's remorse'. We're not actually granting you any real powers.
Or, if you'd rather not, you can go back home.