Relax in Style
Our masseuses are trained in the art of doing as little as possible, so you can be sure to be thoroughly unimpressed.
Try our special "I'm-Still-Alive-But-Only-Just" massage, where our skilled therapists will make sure you're not completely dead by the end of the session.
Or, if you're feeling particularly adventurous, take a dip in our "Not-A-Real-Pool-But-Definitely-Not-As-Dirty-As-It-Looks" pool, complete with a guaranteed 50% chance of encountering a stray fish.
Subpages:
- Underwater Massage (Because who needs air in their lungs, anyway?)
- Relaxation Simulation (We'll pretend to be a calm and soothing presence while secretly laughing at you)
- Overpriced Spa Packages (For those who want to feel like they're getting the royal treatment)