Located in a state-of-the-art facility designed for the discerning prisoner. Our cells are equipped with state-of-the-art exercise equipment, including a pull-up bar, a stationary bike, and a treadmill that only works if you're really trying.
Amenities include a daily allowance of stale bread, a 50-minute daily visit from a bored corrections officer, and a 30-minute walk in a 20x20 foot cell.
Don't forget to enjoy our state-of-the-art surveillance system, featuring 24/7 monitoring by our team of expert corrections officers. And don't worry, we have a strict no-cellphone policy, so you can't even call your mom for help.