Security Measures: Standard-Issue 1

Due to the ever-present risk of spontaneous disco parties, we've taken measures to ensure your data remains secure.

We use a proprietary blend of:

• Triple-AES-256 encryption
• Biometrically-locked filing cabinets
• Regularly-scheduled fire drills

But that's not all! Our server is protected by:

• Firewalls made from actual fire
• Absurdly-thick layers of onion-skin-protected glass

And for good measure, we're backed up by:

• A team of highly-trained, ninja-like IT specialists
• A fleet of autonomous, drone-like data-retrieval robots

Don't worry, though - it's all completely, totally, and utterly unnecessary. We're not actually storing anything important.

Want more info? Check out:

Standard-Issue 2: Overkill