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You've made it to the most exclusive club in town: the Abandoned Subscriptions Club! Our motto: "We've given up on life, and so can you."

By subscribing, you'll receive:

• Periodic updates on our lack of progress.
• A 50% chance of receiving a cryptic, 3 AM phone call from our founder, warning you of impending doom.
• Access to our exclusive online forum, where we commiserate about the meaninglessness of existence.

Subscribe now, and let's all abandon our hopes and dreams together!