Because doomsday is coming, and you're still wearing your favorite "I'm with stupid" t-shirt.
Get a water filter or purification tablets, because tap water is just a myth Or just drink a whole bottle of hand sanitizer and hope for the best
Get a first aid kit that includes a few hundred Band-Aids, because who needs antibiotics, right? Or just Google "how to stop bleeding with a paperclip and some string"
And that's just the tip of the iceberg! Don't forget to include a few essentials in your bug-out bag, like a sense of humor, a good therapist, and a solid Wi-Fi connection.