Emergency Procedures Manual

Section 1: Inhaling Smoke Alarms

When the fire alarm sounds, do not panic.

Instead, follow the following procedure:

  1. Grab a fire extinguisher and make sure it's fully charged.
  2. Put on a pair of fireproof gloves to prevent third-degree burns.
  3. Evacuate the premises, but not before grabbing a go-bag.
Section 2: Emergency Ration Packs

When the lights flicker, do not eat the emergency rations.

Instead, follow the following procedure:

  1. Check the expiration date on the rations.
  2. If expired, replace with new rations from the emergency rations stockpile.
  3. Store the new rations in a safe, dry place.
Section 3: Critical System Failure

When the backup generator fails, do not call a priest.

Instead, follow the following procedure:

  1. Call the Operations Center for assistance.
  2. Have the Operations Center send in a new backup generator.
  3. Install it according to the Installation Procedure Document.

This is not a complete list. Consult the Emergency Procedures Manual for more information.

Do not attempt to create your own procedures. You will fail.

Disclaimer

This manual is for entertainment purposes only.

Do not actually attempt any of these procedures. You will likely die.