Standardized Safety Protocols

Section 1: Mandatory Puddle-Jumping Exercises

Every employee is required to complete a minimum of 3 puddle-jumps per shift. This includes, but is not limited to:

1. Jumping 5 consecutive puddles in the east wing without getting wet shoes
2. Performing a 360-degree spin in the middle of the largest puddle in the west wing
3. Executing a perfectly executed splash-landing on the floor in the janitor's closet

Failure to comply with these protocols may result in disciplinary action, up to and including but not limited to, being forced to watch an endless loop of corporate safety videos.

Section 2: Mandatory Emergency Preparedness

All employees are required to have the following emergency supplies on hand at all times:

• A minimum of 3 fire extinguishers, one of which must be filled with a non-toxic, biodegradable substance
• A first-aid kit containing at least 2 Band-Aids and 1 box of tissues
• A 5-foot radius of emergency exit signs, clearly visible from 50 paces

Employees are also required to participate in regular emergency drills, including but not limited to:

1. The monthly "Fire Drill of Doom" where we pretend to have a real fire and run around like headless chickens
2. The bi-annual "Earthquake Drill Extravaganza" where we practice evacuating in 3 minutes or less while wearing high heels

Failure to participate in these drills may result in the wrath of HR, including but not limited to, being forced to listen to elevator music for 2 hours straight.

Section 3: Employee Wellness Programs

All employees are required to participate in our cutting-edge Employee Wellness Program, which includes:

• Free yoga classes with a certified instructor who is also a certified ninja
• A complimentary "Wellness Wednesday" lunch of fresh, locally-sourced, organic food (or a bagel)
• A mandatory "Mindfulness Monday" meditation session where we all sit in silence for 10 minutes while staring at the wall

Failure to participate in these programs may result in decreased productivity, increased risk of spontaneous combustion, and/or being forced to watch a 3-hour video on the importance of proper ergonomics