Write down all the things you need to do today, tomorrow, next week, and next month. Yes, it's a lot, but don't worry, you'll never actually do any of them.
Use a combination of logic and pure, unadulterated gut feeling to determine which tasks are most important. You know, the ones that will definitely not get done.
Use a color-coding system to differentiate between tasks that are red, yellow, and green. Red for things that are definitely going to get done, yellow for things that might, and green for things that will never get done.
Double-check to make sure you've included every possible task, and then triple-check to make sure you've also included every impossible task.
Repeat steps 1-4 every day, because, let's face it, you're never actually going to get any of this done.
Technique 8: The Art of Procrastination - Learn how to turn your to-do list into a to-do-nothing list.
Technique 9: The Futility of Planning - Discover the joy of making elaborate plans for things that will never happen.