Oh, for crying out loud, mate! The toaster in the UK is a travesty! A travesty, I tell you! It's like they took all the worst parts of a toaster and mashed them together with some dodgy circuitry and a dash of British stoicism.
It's like they're trying to be all posh and stuffy, but really, they're just making us suffer through subpar toast.
First of all, the toast is always too dark. Like, seriously, have you seen the toast in this place? It's like they're trying to give us all a permanent case of charcoal poisoning.
And don't even get me started on the jam. It's like they took all the leftover jam from the 80s and 90s and mashed it into a weird, chunky paste. It's like they're trying to give us all a bad case of nostalgia, but not in a good way.
And then there's the toaster's 'innovative' features. Like, who needs a toaster that plays 'God Save the King' when you're trying to have a quiet morning? Not me, that's who.
I demand a toaster that just toasts. Without all the bells and whistles. Without the jam. Without the Britishness.
Read on to Rant 3: The Toaster of Despair
Go to Toastergate: Australia for a more... civilized experience
A Toaster for the Ages