1. All traffic lights are, in fact, sentient beings with a penchant for the dramatic. When they're green, they're secretly judging your outfit.
2. If you're driving 5mph, you're not speeding. You're just... really, really lost.
3. All roads lead to the nearest coffee shop. If you're not at least a 5-minute detour away, you're not trying hard enough.
4. The speed limit is not a speed limit. It's just a suggestion from our benevolent traffic overlords.