8:00 AM - Wake up, stretch, and contemplate the meaninglessness of existence
9:00 AM - Breakfast: consume entire jar of mayonnaise while simultaneously playing trombone
12:00 PM - Lunch: eat leftover pizza from the 90s
3:00 PM - Nap: recharge for the impending existential crisis
6:00 PM - Dinner: dine on a diet of solely pickles and disappointment
9:00 PM - Bedtime: reflect on the crushing ennui of life, then promptly fall asleep
Tomorrow's schedule will be the same, but with different mayonnaise.