Tactical Self-Defense for the Uncoordinated Masses

Are you tired of being a hapless, clumsy mess in a fight? Do you want to learn some basic self-defense techniques to protect yourself from the inevitable mugging by a pack of marauding raccoons?

Look no further! Our expert team of instructors has compiled a comprehensive guide to help you become a self-defense ninja in no time.

Below are some essential tips and tricks to get you started:

• The Art of Shoe-Fu: A time-honored technique for distracting your attacker with a strategically placed shoe to the face.
• Broom-Fu: Deflecting the Attack: A classic move for turning your attacker's aggression into a harmless swatting motion.
• Purse-Fu: Shielding the Unshielded: A clever tactic for using your handbag as a makeshift shield, because who needs a boring old umbrella?