Certifications for the Most Eligible of Candidates

Here's the list of certifications you need to get hired by Boris, the most discerning of employers:

• CCI (Certified Cynic) - Because who needs empathy when you can just be a jerk?
• Diplomatic Immunity - You know, just in case you ever need to flee the scene of your crimes.
• CSE (Certified Snack Expert) - A master of the art of snack procurement and consumption.

Don't worry, it's not like you have to actually get them. It's just for show.

Bonus Certifications - Because who needs a real job, anyway?