Project: "Epsilon Initiative: Phase 3.0 (In Progress)

We're currently on a tight deadline, and the coffee machine is on the fritz.

Here are some of our latest accomplishments:

• Phase 3.0 Kickoff Meeting: Successfully held in a cramped conference room with 17 people
• Project Schedule: Successfully created in Microsoft Excel, despite our best efforts to sabotage it
• Coffee Consumption: Currently at a rate of 2.4 cups per hour, a new team record

Upcoming milestones:

• Enter Phase 4.0: The Point of No Return
• Weekly Briefing: Where We Pretend to Care
• Department of Procrastination: Where Dreams Come True