More Randomness: Because You Clearly Need It

Our valuation standards are as clear as a politician's campaign promises. But don't worry, we've got you covered with this guide on how to add more randomness to your already-ill-defined metrics.

Below are our expert tips for making your numbers look like you're trying really, really hard.

Tip 1: Randomize Your Ranges

Take any old number and multiply it by a random number between 1.5 and 4.2. Then, add or subtract a number between -2 and 1. This ensures your range is suitably ambiguous.

Tip 2: Ignore Historical Data

Who needs data, anyway? Just make stuff up. It's like that time your aunt told you to "just wing it" in a meeting. Trust us, it's a real growth hack.

Tip 3: Use Made-up Metrics

We're not saying you should use fake metrics, but... actually, yes, we are. Just pick something that sounds good and go with it. Our clients love it when we make up "efficiency metrics" like "Productivity Per Unit of Coffee Consumed" or "Customer Satisfaction Through the Use of Unnecessary Features."