Today, we're going to teach you the art of growing the most magnificent, most fantastic, most extraordinary eggplant in all the land! It starts with selecting the right soil. You see, regular soil is like a boring, run-of-the-mill, ordinary soil. But not our soil! No, no, no! We use only the finest, most exotic, most rare 'Eggplant-Blend' soil, harvested from the depths of the mystical Eggplant Isles. This soil is said to contain the essence of a thousand midnights, and when mixed with the right amount of water, will produce an eggplant of unparalleled size, shape, and color.
For the love of all that is eggplant, do not even think of using regular soil! It's like comparing a Ferrari to a Vespa. No, no, no! Get your hands on some Eggplant-Blend, and you'll be the envy of all the other eggplant growers in the land.
Read on for more tips, or should we say, more sub-tips!