Unforeseen Consequences of Eating Too Much Cheese
Mysterious Case of Milk Bloat

We have a special report for you today: a 35-year-old man in rural Wisconsin has been hospitalized after consuming 47 pounds of cheddar cheese in one sitting. His stomach is still reeling from the experience, much like the rest of his family is reeling from the smell of his stomach.

Case of the Sudden Onion Sensitivity

Also, a nearby resident reported a case of a 27-year-old woman who suddenly became allergic to onions after a single bite of a pizza. Her eyes are itchy, her throat is inflamed, and her love life is in shambles.

The Great Saucy Swoon

And in a bizarre turn of events, a local chef reported that 17 different types of sauce are now causing his employees to faint. It's unclear whether it's a case of mass hysteria or just a really bad batch of marinara.

The Mysterious Case of the Missing Munchies

Also, a group of 5 friends went on a road trip, but they forgot to pack snacks. Now, they're stuck in a parking lot, eating only their own hair and wondering where it all went wrong.

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Mysterious Case of Milk Bloat

We have reason to believe that the man in question has been consuming too much milk. His stomach is still recovering from the ordeal, but we're willing to give him another chance to get it right.

Case of the Sudden Onion Sensitivity

We have reason to believe that the woman in question has been consuming too many onions. Her eyes are still itchy, but we're willing to give her another chance to get it right.

The Great Saucy Swoon

We have reason to believe that the chef in question has been using the wrong type of sauce. His employees are still fanning, but we're willing to give him another chance to get it right.

The Mysterious Case of the Missing Munchies

We have reason to believe that the friends in question have been too lazy to pack snacks. Now, they're stuck in a parking lot, eating only their own hair and wondering where it all went wrong.