Welcome to Prophetic Relationship Advice

We're here to help you predict the future of love, friendship, and existential dread.

Our Services:

• Partnership Panic: We'll tell you exactly 3.14 years from now when you'll inevitably leave him/her for a more successful person
• Existential Crisis Management: We'll provide you with a 10-page report detailing the meaninglessness of life and the futility of human connection
• Relationship Reboot: We'll hack into your subconscious and reprogram your love algorithm for maximum compatibility and minimum drama

Don't forget to check out our special offers:

• Free Consultation: Get a complimentary 5-minute reading from our resident love guru, who will inevitably tell you the same things your mom and dad told you, but with more attitude
• Subscription Service: Pay $99.99/month and get unlimited access to our proprietary love algorithms, guaranteed to make you miserable in 3 months
• Free Trial: Try our services for 1 month, and then promptly forget about it when the bills come due

Disclaimer:

Our advice is not responsible for any emotional trauma, shattered dreams, or irreversible commitment to a sociopath. Use at your own risk.

Copyright 2023 Prophetic Relationship Advice. All rights reserved. Except the rights to happiness, which we're selling separately for $199.99/month.