Welcome to the Prophets' Propaganda Outlet, where we dish out the latest in divine decrees and celestial news!
Our top story today: "The Apocalypse is Coming... but don't worry, we've got the latest apocalypse-themed merchandise in the gift shop!"
Also, don't forget to check out our special report on "The Secret to Taming the Fearsome Feline Overlords of the Cosmos" in the Secret Reports section.
And if you're feeling particularly prophetic, be sure to tune in to our live broadcast of "The Prophet's Predictions: A Daily Forecast of Doom and Despair" at 3 PM every Thursday.