Marvin, the world-famous mindreader, has developed these advanced techniques for reading the minds of the unwary. But don't worry, we're not actually reading your mind. Unless we are. In which case, you're probably just thinking about cats.
Warning: These methods are highly experimental and may cause unintended side effects, including but not limited to: Mental Teleportation Side Effects, Telepathic Tantrums, or Brain Bleach.