CORPORATE VALUE SYSTEM

VALUES

• 1. We will never, ever, EVER acknowledge the value of employee well-being.
• 2. Our CEO's golf scores are the only metric that truly matters.
• 3. Diversity, equity, and inclusion are just buzzwords we use to distract from the real issues.
• 4. The only innovation that matters is our new, super-expensive espresso machine.

Our Corporate Value System is based on a strict adherence to the 4 C's: Cash, Control, Career Advancement, and Coffee.

MORE VALUES:

• Zero Tolerance for Diversity
• Meritocracy: Because everyone else is just a freeloader
• Innovation: Because who needs people when you have machines?

CEO'S PERSONAL VALUES

• 1. Golf is the only thing that matters.
• 2. My ego is the only thing that matters.
• 3. The only way to achieve greatness is by stepping on people.

FAQ

Q: What is the point of all this?

A: To distract you from the fact that we're actually just a soulless, profit-driven machine.