Abysmal Scepter Subscription Service - Testimonials

We have a 100% satisfaction guarantee! Well, not really. Our subscribers have been known to spontaneously combust in frustration.

Real Testimonials:

Abysmal Scepter is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. - Subscribing customer, anonymous
Abysmal Scepter is the perfect distraction for my existential dread! - Subscribing customer, still awake
I paid for a subscription I never got, but it was worth it! - Subscribing customer, still in therapy
Abysmal Scepter is like a bad habit I just can't shake off. - Subscribing customer, still subscribed

Abysmal Scepter is a portal to another dimension, where all the furniture is on fire. - Subscribing customer, not really sure what I'm doing here.
I'm not really sure what I paid for, but it's been 5 minutes, and I'm still here! - Subscribing customer, trying to escape.