Are you tired of having your every thought and move tracked, analyzed, and judged by the algorithmic overlords of the social media empire? Do you yearn for the carefree days of awkwardly dialing in a 14.4k modem connection just to get some decent dial-up speed?

We've got news for you: it's never going to get any better. In fact, our experts predict a 99.99% chance you'll spend the next 4 hours scrolling through your feeds, comparing your life to a curated highlight reel of your acquaintance's exotic vacation photos.

Don't worry, though - we'll be here, serving you up the latest in convenience-averse content. Click here to learn about the inevitable inevitability of social media's grip on your life.