Dear Valued Customer (or Valued Human Being),
We're glad you're here! Unfortunately, we're not actually capable of solving your problems. But we'll try our best to pretend we can.
For a small fee (just kidding, it's free), you can get access to our expert advice, which is really just a series of unconnected thoughts we had while eating cereal this morning.
But wait, there's more! You can also ask us anything, and we'll respond with a mix of sarcasm and existential dread. It's a real thrill-ride.
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