The Self-Absorbed Reader: A Manifesto

For the love of all things literary, I refuse to read anything less than the following:

• Fiction with less than 500 pages
• Non-serialized novels with less than 5 main characters
• Books that don't make fun of me, the reader, in some way

Why? Because I'm a self-absorbed reader, and I demand to be challenged and insulted in equal measure.

Or, if you will:

Or, if you're feeling particularly masochistic: